Leah and I have somewhat different parenting styles, though I think we each do a pretty good job of acquiescing from time to time when one of us seems particularly vehement about a particular issue.
Which brings me to this piece in the Journal today. Gosh, it’s good. The author has four boys, bless him, so he writes from a position I can only imagine. And I imagine it’s hard. I suppose Leah and I fall mostly into the “constrained view” camp, though Leah will undoubtedly take issue with some of the disciplinary themes contained therein. Por ejemplo:
My wife and I therefore forbid our children to use the word “fair.” Parents still in the thrall of the unconstrained worldview are prone to manipulation by their kids, who like little human-rights lawyers insist on fairness as an imperative. [] In our house things are much simpler: That last piece of cake had to be divided somehow, and in this imperfect world your brother got the extra frosting. Deal with it.
Another plum:
Many parents in the unconstrained camp adhere to Rousseau’s sentiment: “Man is born free, but everywhere is in chains.” They not only fail to punish bad behavior but snarl at anyone who rebukes their precious darlings. In our house we have reversed Rousseau’s theory: You are born in bondage and should be darn grateful for the free room and board. Besides, if you want to talk about restrictions on liberty you can take it up with your mother, who hasn’t had an uninterrupted trip to the bathroom since 2001.
I have absolutely no problem setting boundaries for Ava and then vigorously enforcing those boundaries. We’re in a difficult stage with her right now; it’s a time when she really needs to learn that everything isn’t always going to go her way, and that when it doesn’t, sobbing with her face buried in the couch (or worse, hitting or pinching her parents) isn’t going to make things better.
Nobody who’s stood between a toddler and the last cookie should still harbor a belief in the inherent virtue of mankind.
Sometimes, when Ava is overly tired and just past her limit, it seems like she’ll be irredeemable. I think, “Wow, what kind of monster are we raising here, anyway?” Then, ten minutes later, she’s laughing and splashing in the tub while Leah pretends to be scared of the sharks swimming in the water. It’s difficult, never having raised a child before, to be mindful of how much gentle direction and support Ava needs right now. I don’t always do such a good job of this, but Leah’s got my back.