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Pretty

March 24th, 2009 · by map · 8 Comments

Leah informs me frequently that we’re dealing with a little girl who has a fragile ego, and that under no circumstances does she need to hear any discouraging words from her father. I see the validity of her argument. Like most parents, I’d love for my child to live a life free of negativity and pain, emotional or otherwise. But when Ava approached me this morning in her little red flowered skirt and matching sweater, her mouth and cheeks smeared with lipstick, I did the unfatherly thing and asked what all the goop was on her face. Her demeanor went immediately from proud to crestfallen. I’d destroyed her. “Why do you always have to be such an asshole?” Leah hissed.

My only defense is that I was using my harsh reaction to make it clear to Ava that makeup isn’t what makes someone pretty. That beauty isn’t the result of something your wear or apply. As is my M.O., I swatted a fly with a shotgun. Now, this isn’t to say I’m not a believer in physical beauty. I am. I recognize its evolutionary heritage. And I don’t see any problem with Ava appreciating something or someone because she finds it or him or her pleasing to look at. But I worry that Ava sees her mom standing in front of the mirror for 45 minutes every morning and gets the message that there’s a lot of work involved before a woman can go out in public.

Obviously, my response to Ava probably wasn’t the most constructive one. I need to work more on guiding her by lifting her up, not tearing her down. The strength of my admonition this time was in direct proportion to my fear of her growing up and going out into a world that is going to judge her on how she looks. It’s difficult for me to turn off worried parent mode to go into doting, supportive parent mode at the drop of a hat, particularly when confronted by such a stark apparition of my sweetie as a young woman. I know I can’t protect Ava from all life’s barbs, but I hope to at least prepare her for them.

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post at the same time Leah wrote hers, but with no knowledge that she was writing. Interesting.

Tags: Ava

  • Leah

    Hey, now! I don’t stand in front of the mirror for 45 minutes, but she does see me drying my hair and putting on make-up, and I do worry about what she’ll learn from watching that.

    I’ve read “Reviving Ophelia,” and as a woman myself, I’m all too aware of the perils of raising a girl in this culture.

    I still wrestle with the whole make-up issue. But then I think: We don’t let her paint her nails or use any tween products. Hell, we don’t even let her watch t.v.! I guess I let her “play” with make-up once in awhile because I think it’s natural for kids her age–both boys and girls–to think that kind of creative, play-pretend is fun.

    We wash it off after she’s done playing (I tell her she can put it on her hands, cheeks, and nose), and for her, it’s just like painting a picture or doing something with art. I always tell her that make-up is just for grown-ups–and that it’s also just for fun (like putting on a costume).

    I understand your concerns, Mark, and I certainly want to raise our daughter as a strong woman who loves herself for who she is (and not for how she looks), but I think we also have to let her play and experiment without worrying too much.

    • http://nicheplayer.net map

      OK. I relent. Thirty-five minutes.

  • Leah

    Hey, now! I don’t stand in front of the mirror for 45 minutes, but she does see me drying my hair and putting on make-up, and I do worry about what she’ll learn from watching that.

    I’ve read “Reviving Ophelia,” and as a woman myself, I’m all too aware of the perils of raising a girl in this culture.

    I still wrestle with the whole make-up issue. But then I think: We don’t let her paint her nails or use any tween products. Hell, we don’t even let her watch t.v.! I guess I let her “play” with make-up once in awhile because I think it’s natural for kids her age–both boys and girls–to think that kind of creative, play-pretend is fun.

    We wash it off after she’s done playing (I tell her she can put it on her hands, cheeks, and nose), and for her, it’s just like painting a picture or doing something with art. I always tell her that make-up is just for grown-ups–and that it’s also just for fun (like putting on a costume).

    I understand your concerns, Mark, and I certainly want to raise our daughter as a strong woman who loves herself for who she is (and not for how she looks), but I think we also have to let her play and experiment without worrying too much.

    • http://nicheplayer.net map

      OK. I relent. Thirty-five minutes.

  • kim painter

    you mean ava can have 35 mins in front of the mirror? ;-)

    • http://nicheplayer.net map

      Oh, you…I oughta!

  • kim painter

    you mean ava can have 35 mins in front of the mirror? ;-)

    • http://nicheplayer.net map

      Oh, you…I oughta!