avablog

We are of the eat-it-or-give-up-dessert/-go-to-bed sort. I don’t know if it works for everybody, but I do know that the only things our boys won’t eat is mushrooms, and even then…

We, too, are of the “he’ll eat when he’s hungry” type. Our youngest eats about once every three days.

Only lately (he’s almost 3) have we been enforcing the “eat this subset of selected food to get dessert” rule. His brother (6 yrs) has graduated from that rule now, to the “you need to eat (some undetermined amount) more, and all your veggies” for dessert rule.

On Asian food, make your own pad thai. Surprisingly easy, once you find tamarind paste, and most kids eat it up.

Leah’s big on the “don’t make food an issue” idea; I guess she’s worried about raising an anorexic. I’m big on the “I don’t want to raise a Hobbit” idea, wherein a child eats enough good food to be able to grow taller than 4 feet.

Pad thai’s a good idea, Danny. L likes it, too. I need to look up some recipes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with Hobbits, per se. They’re just short.

Jake did this when he was about four years old, and I panicked, of course. Went to the doctor and his exact words were, “The kid won’t starve himself.”

After talking more about it with the doctor, I came to realize that it’s more an issue of control than with actually eating.

What we do? We make the meal. We offer the meal. They have the choice to eat the meal. As with everything in life, there are consequences for your actions. If you don’t eat … you’ll be hungry. You also don’t get dessert. You don’t get excused from the table until everyone is done eating their meal … including dessert.

Drew just lately has become our biggest challenge … and after two nights of going to bed with a grumbling belly … he clears his plate every night since … collects dessert … and knows that HE is not the boss of US and doesn’t control what is served for dinner.

Works for us … all four now eat when we make and offer up. I know I sound like a “B”, so let me throw in that I usually try to make a favorite food of each child each week …

Good luck!

Oh and as if I haven’t said enough … let me add …

My mom never made me eat anything I didn’t like … and I wish she had. I am THE pickiest eater on the planet and it’s really a pain in the rear end sometimes … most times.

I never “learned” to eat … and I still pay for it today!

Just sayin’.

My feeling is that this phase will pass–and that we shouldn’t turn our dinner table into a battle zone every night. If, for now, she only likes organic hot dogs, organic mac and cheese, PB and J, and organic chicken nuggets, I’m all for just making her those things (along with the requisite fruit and vegetable that we serve her with every meal)–while offering her some of the other main courses that we’re having.

Maybe this isn’t the best plan. I don’t know. But because food is a control issue, I feel like taking away the need to battle about it will help us all, in the long run.

And using the “no-dessert” punishment seems counterintuitive to what I’ve read about not using food as either reward of punishment. It just becomes a game of her taking “enough” bites to get what she really wants, which is dessert. It doesn’t solve the bigger problem of her not liking what we make.

Frankly, I don’t know what the right answer is for us. We can try to force her to sit through a meal, and listen to her scream and cry for the entire time, or we can let her get down when she’s done.–if she asks to be excused politely. *shrug*

My gut (so to speak) feeling about this is that if it’s about power struggles–and her need to exert some control, since she has so little in most areas of her life–then maybe it’s worth it to let her feel in control and choose from among her few favorite meals each night.

I don’t know. So many of these parenting decisions seem really subjective; each child is so different, and what works for one may not work for another. *sigh*

we do the same thing… this is what is for dinner, take it or leave it. and, if you leave it, you don’t get yogurt or a banana (hunter’s version of dessert).

and our child is decidedly not a hobbit.

This is really interesting to read, especially since I can almost guarantee Cadie will go through this phase. That is, if she ever stops dribbling out rice cereal and actually eats real food. (Regardless, I wouldn’t be surprised if she turns out to be a Hobbit.)

I don’t know what the best course of action is, but I tend to take Leah’s view. Although I truly never before thought of “no dessert” as a punishment; it always seemed like just a logical consequence. I’ll have to think about that some more. Good luck!

I’m not an expert – not by any means – my only experience is that I was once a child, and I’ve dealt with others kids. I like “An Iowa Mom”s approach (sorry I don’t know your names – just know Mark) of take it or leave it, eventually you will eat. That’s what I grew up with, and it did a few things – I love to eat new foods, I’ll try just about anything, and the things I like, I’ll try twice.

Then let me tell you about my future sister-in-law’s house. She’s got three girls (8,11,13) and when they make dinner – it’s hot dogs for one, waffles for another, and noodles for the third. Three different meals each night, because they are the pickiest eaters I’ve ever seen, and mom puts up with it. These girls are not 4 year olds holding their breath – they are little adults, but they know what they want, and they know how to get it.

my $.02
Matt

It seems to me that you have already established that she can ask to be excused when she’s done. Then she needs to leave you alone. Since you’ve already done this, it might be confusing if you change that aspect. As for the take it or leave it discussion, I agree with Leah. ( no surprise there) I will honor the dessert part and I’m not bringing cookies today. I hope that this phase will pass and that I can still be the cookie grandma.

Interesting stuff. Like all things if I were you I would find out what Dr. Sears thinks. He is usually spot on for me.

I also has a friend who still always has to make a special meal for her almost 11 year old – it is not always fun for her, but her daughter has an almost food phobia. It is easy to say if she had been tougher earlier things would be better now – however there certainly is no guarantee of that. The daughter very much self-identifies as a “picky-eater” something the mom didn’t encourage – but just happened a long the way. That is something you definately want to avoid. Like so many labels it is pretty hard to get rid of.

Seems like everybody’s more or less agreeing.

My husband and I don’t think of it as a power struggle, though. It’s just a fact that “this is what we have for dinner” and “it’s the end of the day; I don’t have time or energy to make four different meals.”

And dessert is a plus for us – not a given. My parents were of the “no-dessert” ilk, and also made us take one bite of everything on the plate. We didn’t leave the table until one bite had been taken, and we didn’t get dessert if dinner hadn’t been finished. Everybody knew it, and accepted it. I’ve always been thankful for this. Especially after having heard / witnessed recently a number of stories that are too long for this comment.

I think that rule establishing is good for parents, too, and actually reduces stress and conflict in the long run. We parents can remain more calm and remind the kids of the rule(s) – and they eventually do get it, and even start realising, for instance, that we don’t make rules for random reasons. And so on.

p.s. The “-or-go-to-bed” side of our rule is linked to the fact that generally, if ours start a big fuss about it, it’s because they’re too tired and not even realising that what’s before them is one of their favourite foods.

Hoo boy. This opens up a whole can of worms I am definitely not ready for. My husband is a very strict vegetarian, and wants our twins to be raised as such. He tolerates non-vegetarian foods for my older son on occasion (though not without remark), simply because we did not meet until Jake was 3, and he had already established omnivorous eating habits that would have been hard to break, especially when he is offered steak and pork chops for dinner when he visits his dad and stepmother. While I do see health benefits of a vegetarian or even vegan diet and respect my husband’s beliefs about doing less harm to animals and the environment, I see this as something that should maybe be a personal decision, rather than something forced upon our children.

I do not claim to be a true vegetarian, as I do have seafood or chicken on occasion (though the latter has become very rare), but I always prepare vegetarian and even vegan meals at home, often making Jake something like a chicken breast or salmon steak or whatever in addition to what we are eating. I find this to be enough of a pain in the you-know-what that I cannot imagine having all three of my children demanding a different food for the same meal. I come from a meat and potatoes, no variety, eat everything on your plate family, and I wouldn’t say that this was a good thing in terms of my eating habits as an adult. I have about 1.5 cousins on each side of the family that have not struggled with weight at some point in their lives, and that’s about it.

I dunno what the best answer is, but I am of the strong opinion that battling it out at the family dinner table every night is not it. I guess the most important thing is to reach a decision together, and stick with it. I sure hope we are able to do the same.

In reply to Heather: I, too, grew up as a meat-and-potatoes, clean-your-plate sort of kid. While the admonition of, “this is what we’re having tonight, deal with it” I feel is right on, making a battle of the dinner table is not.

I feel that making food a big deal ends up making it a big deal for the kid in the long run, possibly making problems in the future. Because I was meant to clean my plate, now I feel like I *must* clean my plate and because we always had big, hearty meals, I feel that I *must* have big, hearty meals, even though my metabolism and activity level dictates that I should be eating small, sparse, light meals most of the time. But now I have the predisposition in me, and it’s very hard to break on bad days.

I appreciate the vegetarian sentiment, but think it’s too restrictive in most cases; we are, simply put, omnivoric. I also don’t believe in forcing that thought on kids, but allowing them to choose (within limits) if they want to eat that way or not. If the kid wants meat, and it’s within budget and preparation concerns, go for it.

*shrugs* I don’t envy your position, at least. Wife and I can agree mostly on meals, we just need to refine our consumption to lower caloric and less volume amounts.

I agree with Nathan on the vegetarianism/kids thing. If they grow up to decide that a hot dog looks pretty damn good to them, what’re you going to do, forbid them from eating one? I mean, there’s a point at which you lose control over anything they eat that doesn’t get eaten under your roof, right?

Most definitely. Unless he plans to pack a wholesome vegetarian sack lunch for the two of them any time they go anywhere, and I can almost guarantee that is not the case.