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That line in the sand

June 30th, 2008 · by Leah · 10 Comments

It keeps changing for me, but unfortunately, not for Mark. We have yet another month down the toilet (so to speak) in our efforts to have a second baby. I had a lot of terribly, desperately, pathetically high hopes riding on this month, since it was our first time on fertility medication. I was convinced that this little miracle pill might be just what the doctor ordered. Unfortunately, it wasn’t.

And the weekend we were supposed to go in for our IUI (the procedure they recommend in conjuntion with this medication) coincided with the terrible flooding here, so UIHC closed down its IUI clinic to patients like me. That means that Mark and I missed the crucial ovulation-IUI window, and though we still tried on our own, Aunt Flo decided that she was having none of it. That crotchety old broad!

Yesterday, I told Mark that I was ready to completely revise my original no-IVF policy, especially since two people I know have had recent success with that treatment. However, Mark is adamant about holding me to my original statements about not going to such extremes.

I know he doesn’t feel this biological urge as dramatically and acutely as I do. I feel consumed and obsessed in a way that I know is not healthy. It’s a lonely place to be, I must say. I’m a mother already, so I feel like I’m not allowed to own this sorrow. My friends who have no children, or are pregnant with their firsts, must think me supremely selfish and self pitying. And my friends with two or more are very lovely and sympathetic, but they don’t really understand. They can’t–and how could they?

Right now, because of my age, I’m surrounded by new babies and pregnant friends–of all ages, even up to 40–and I must tell you that I covet what they have. I do. I covet. I covet. I covet.

At this point, I feel willling to do almost anything to have another baby. I’ve definitely moved my line, but Mark has not. And here we are, facing miles and miles of sand together, with no idea if we’ll ever be able to get across.

Tags: General

  • http://nicheplayer.net map

    Well, if you’re not going to stick to your line in the sand, why bother making one? Why not just go for the procedure with the greatest odds of success from the outset?

    Of course, I don’t care if Ava never has a sibling. I think it’s important that I resist the urge to try to shape Ava’s life using my life as a guide, and no, I don’t feel any biological urge to have another child. Quite to the contrary, I’m presently laboring under an intellectual urge NOT to have another child; why would I want to dilute our available resources across two children when I can maximize those resources to better raise a single child? You’ve been watching too much John and Kate Plus 8.

  • http://nicheplayer.net map

    Well, if you’re not going to stick to your line in the sand, why bother making one? Why not just go for the procedure with the greatest odds of success from the outset?

    Of course, I don’t care if Ava never has a sibling. I think it’s important that I resist the urge to try to shape Ava’s life using my life as a guide, and no, I don’t feel any biological urge to have another child. Quite to the contrary, I’m presently laboring under an intellectual urge NOT to have another child; why would I want to dilute our available resources across two children when I can maximize those resources to better raise a single child? You’ve been watching too much John and Kate Plus 8.

  • http://hillmanfamily.wordpress.com/ JWH

    I read your post this morning and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. It is the sort of thing that begs comment; even if only to acknowledge your suffering and offer some word of encouragement, however hollow such an effort seems.

    It took my husband and I longer than we thought it should to conceive, and, I remember well the heartbreak of each month’s failure and the strain it placed on our relationship.

    We determined that the likelihood of conception was directly proportionate to each couple’s desire to have a child. In an attempt at levity, we took our equation a step further: adding factors like I.Q., levels of education, and combined income to the equation. It was the only way to explain why two healthy people that had so much to offer a baby were having trouble making one.

    I suppose the point of all of this is to tell you that you’re not alone, and, well, hang in there.

  • http://hillmanfamily.wordpress.com/ JWH

    I read your post this morning and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. It is the sort of thing that begs comment; even if only to acknowledge your suffering and offer some word of encouragement, however hollow such an effort seems.

    It took my husband and I longer than we thought it should to conceive, and, I remember well the heartbreak of each month’s failure and the strain it placed on our relationship.

    We determined that the likelihood of conception was directly proportionate to each couple’s desire to have a child. In an attempt at levity, we took our equation a step further: adding factors like I.Q., levels of education, and combined income to the equation. It was the only way to explain why two healthy people that had so much to offer a baby were having trouble making one.

    I suppose the point of all of this is to tell you that you’re not alone, and, well, hang in there.

  • http://nicheplayer.net map

    I should add that any amount of John and Kate Plus 8 is too much.

  • http://nicheplayer.net map

    I should add that any amount of John and Kate Plus 8 is too much.

  • http://arredonald.blogspot.com/ Paida/ Lauren

    Oh Leah I am so sorry. I know this is a tremendous heartbreak to you and you shouldn’t apologize for how upset you are. Don’t add guilt to your sadness – that will add layers and layers to it that really don’t need to be there.

    Not that you were asking, but my advice is try a few more months and try not thinking about the next step yet.

    What have I learned from this quarrel? I will never ever make a “line in the sand” with my husband!

  • http://arredonald.blogspot.com/ Paida/ Lauren

    Oh Leah I am so sorry. I know this is a tremendous heartbreak to you and you shouldn’t apologize for how upset you are. Don’t add guilt to your sadness – that will add layers and layers to it that really don’t need to be there.

    Not that you were asking, but my advice is try a few more months and try not thinking about the next step yet.

    What have I learned from this quarrel? I will never ever make a “line in the sand” with my husband!

  • http://www.philosyphia.com NathanPralle

    Hrm…so much to say…

    Leah: For one, while saying it doesn’t necessarily help the situation, I do agree that you shouldn’t feel guilt in either direction — either for being unable to conceive nor for wanting to. I think both reactions are natural and healthy as long as you don’t, say, start stealing babies from hospital wards. ;) I’m a guy, so no, I don’t know your pain in terms of what it’s like to want to be pregnant and not be able to. I can only speak to what I have observed in my own wife and how, when it was completely and totally irrational for us to be having kids she still desperately wanted one each and every time she was reminded of it, whether it was a commercial or her friends being pregnant. I suppose that is part of the natural biological feature to keep the race going and it extends more than mere jealousy from what I can see. It is, essentially, a biological emptiness.

    Mark: Like you, I like to think I’d stick to a line in the sand. Wife and I have talked about how far we’d bother to go in conceiving and right now we seem to have that line defined — no IVF or big heroics. My argument is that if you can’t do it mostly naturally, perhaps you’re not meant to, if nothing else to keep from fostering bad genetics in the species. Nice in theory, but we’ll see how that logic plays out in actuality, should it ever happen.

    Both: No doubt lots of people have said something, and I don’t mean to hash over something again, but…adoption? Fostering? I’ve just never seen either of you comment on that subject in a blog yet so…I thought I’d ask. Again, Wife and I have talked about this and we’re all for it, but will probably have another biological first (if possible) and then look into adoption for the 3rd if we get that far. If the 2nd can’t happen biologically, then I think we’ll really go for the foster-to-adopt scenario.

    At any rate, it has to be a beyond-sore subject around your household and I don’t mean to exacerbate it in any way. I hope, no matter what the outcome, it is a positive one in the end. Good luck; there’s lot of good feelings and thoughts coming your way from us folk.

  • http://www.nathanpralle.com/blog/ Nathan Pralle

    Hrm…so much to say…

    Leah: For one, while saying it doesn’t necessarily help the situation, I do agree that you shouldn’t feel guilt in either direction — either for being unable to conceive nor for wanting to. I think both reactions are natural and healthy as long as you don’t, say, start stealing babies from hospital wards. ;) I’m a guy, so no, I don’t know your pain in terms of what it’s like to want to be pregnant and not be able to. I can only speak to what I have observed in my own wife and how, when it was completely and totally irrational for us to be having kids she still desperately wanted one each and every time she was reminded of it, whether it was a commercial or her friends being pregnant. I suppose that is part of the natural biological feature to keep the race going and it extends more than mere jealousy from what I can see. It is, essentially, a biological emptiness.

    Mark: Like you, I like to think I’d stick to a line in the sand. Wife and I have talked about how far we’d bother to go in conceiving and right now we seem to have that line defined — no IVF or big heroics. My argument is that if you can’t do it mostly naturally, perhaps you’re not meant to, if nothing else to keep from fostering bad genetics in the species. Nice in theory, but we’ll see how that logic plays out in actuality, should it ever happen.

    Both: No doubt lots of people have said something, and I don’t mean to hash over something again, but…adoption? Fostering? I’ve just never seen either of you comment on that subject in a blog yet so…I thought I’d ask. Again, Wife and I have talked about this and we’re all for it, but will probably have another biological first (if possible) and then look into adoption for the 3rd if we get that far. If the 2nd can’t happen biologically, then I think we’ll really go for the foster-to-adopt scenario.

    At any rate, it has to be a beyond-sore subject around your household and I don’t mean to exacerbate it in any way. I hope, no matter what the outcome, it is a positive one in the end. Good luck; there’s lot of good feelings and thoughts coming your way from us folk.