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My apologies, Santa

December 27th, 2007 · by map · 6 Comments

Dear Santa,

I know you’re resting, but I wanted to intrude upon your repose for just a minute with an admission: Over the last week, I repeatedly took your name in vain in the most careless ways imaginable.

See, I’m the father of a three-year-old girl. And as the father of a three-year-old girl, I often find myself faced with conflicting impulses regarding discipline. Which issues am I willing to go to the mat over, and which am I prepared to let slide? Sure, the hitting and biting and grumblings of “you’re dead!” are easy calls (it’s all about Zero Tolerance in these instances), but what of the subtler forms of disobedience, those times when action is clearly required, but a time out is overkill? In your name, Santa, I successfully blurred these distinctions over the past ten days, but I’m conflicted about it.

I invoked your ever-watchful eye at the drop of a hat. Ava not eating her beans? “I hope Santa’s not watching this.” Ava fussing when it’s time to get in the car? “I wonder what Santa would think of this behavior. He keeps a list, you know.” Ava running around like a madwoman instead of getting ready for bed? “I have a feeling Santa would frown upon this. He’ll probably skip our house now.”

Please know, Santa, that using you this way made me feel dirty. Ava’s vision of you as a jolly, benevolent old grandfather with a bag full of loot is now tinged with an impression of you as enforcer, as a spiteful, unforgiving fat man in a red suit who’s busily marking his naughty/nice list with a fountain pen dipped in elf blood. I wish I could take it all back.

But, I cannot. And so I conclude by simply thanking you for your understanding. And I pledge to you that Christmas 2008 in our house will be all about putting the Christkindl back in Christmas.

Nice since 1970,

map

Tags: Ava · Entertainment

  • http://www.philosyphia.com NathanPralle

    Dear map,

    Remember when you were 5 and your father told you that every time you touch yourself, God kills a kitten? This is a similar example. As we all know, kittens are alive an well in most parts of the world and Kleenex is still a popular seller. The threat, while impressive, rather pales in the lackluster aftermath. Ava received her gifts just as surely as the heartbeats of small felines keep thunking away.

    I, myself, have been known to affect certain oaths upon my workers in the heat of the moment. If I had a gold coin for everytime I told an elf that I’d powernail his freakin’ pointy ears to the ceiling fan if he biffed up a gift one more time — well, let’s just say that my coffers aren’t as full as they used to be. And just because Cupid got turned into teriyaki jerky and a throw rug last year has no bearing on my threat of tanning their hides to Pluto and back. (Fact was, his leg was game, and I wasn’t about to pay the ISU Vets to put it back to sorts.)

    So rest ye weary brain and think not of using myself as a threat to your wee one. After all, as cute as she is, do you really think she won’t get away with it in the end? That’s what I thought.

    Observationally yours,

    St. Nick

  • http://www.nathanpralle.com/blog/ Père Noël

    Dear map,

    Remember when you were 5 and your father told you that every time you touch yourself, God kills a kitten? This is a similar example. As we all know, kittens are alive an well in most parts of the world and Kleenex is still a popular seller. The threat, while impressive, rather pales in the lackluster aftermath. Ava received her gifts just as surely as the heartbeats of small felines keep thunking away.

    I, myself, have been known to affect certain oaths upon my workers in the heat of the moment. If I had a gold coin for everytime I told an elf that I’d powernail his freakin’ pointy ears to the ceiling fan if he biffed up a gift one more time — well, let’s just say that my coffers aren’t as full as they used to be. And just because Cupid got turned into teriyaki jerky and a throw rug last year has no bearing on my threat of tanning their hides to Pluto and back. (Fact was, his leg was game, and I wasn’t about to pay the ISU Vets to put it back to sorts.)

    So rest ye weary brain and think not of using myself as a threat to your wee one. After all, as cute as she is, do you really think she won’t get away with it in the end? That’s what I thought.

    Observationally yours,

    St. Nick

  • http://arredonald.blogspot.com/ Lauren/ Paida

    At a certain point it simply doesn’t work anymore – in the words of my 6 year old boy:

    “Some years I am good, some years I am bad; Santa always brings me good stuff.”

  • http://arredonald.blogspot.com/ Lauren/ Paida

    At a certain point it simply doesn’t work anymore – in the words of my 6 year old boy:

    “Some years I am good, some years I am bad; Santa always brings me good stuff.”

  • http://mama-tchou-tchou.blogspot.com/ Jenny

    I guffawed outloud as I read this, and then put a reminder in my 2008 datebook (because this one hadn’t even occured to me, this year, and I ain’t about to pass it up next year).

    p.s. The Wikipedia bit about the Christkindl is a bit ridiculous. ‘Christkindl’ is from a familiar form German dialects use for the Christ Child, who is the person who brings (or rather, these days, “brought”) the gifts to good kids.
    …Ah! I just found this epxlanation on another Wikipage, which is pretty much what I just wrote, above; well, anyway: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christkind

  • http://mama-tchou-tchou.blogspot.com/ Jenny

    I guffawed outloud as I read this, and then put a reminder in my 2008 datebook (because this one hadn’t even occured to me, this year, and I ain’t about to pass it up next year).

    p.s. The Wikipedia bit about the Christkindl is a bit ridiculous. ‘Christkindl’ is from a familiar form German dialects use for the Christ Child, who is the person who brings (or rather, these days, “brought”) the gifts to good kids.
    …Ah! I just found this epxlanation on another Wikipage, which is pretty much what I just wrote, above; well, anyway: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christkind